Spike's Series Of Unfortunate Events II: Whoof!
by bloody-awful
Summary: Spike gets drunk,turns into a dog and whackiness ensues. A stand alone sequel to the first story. Set in no particular time period. I had fun writing it, please have fun reading it and Review please. Complete.
1. Beer and Brew Wackiness ensues

Spike's Series of Unfortunate Events II:

Whoof!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. Blah Blah Blah Joss Whedon

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I had been at Willy's the whole night. I was, well plastered. I stood in the alley behind the bar staring up at the building before me. I was totally smashed. Are you beginning to see a pattern here? I am, anyway. Suddenly the building looked really tall. I'm still not sure exactly what happened. I just know I was standing there, and then I either shrank or the building got really tall.

I started to walk away only to notice that I was no longer walking on two legs but rather four. I looked down slowly dreading what I might see. What I saw caught me totally off guard. I thought to myself, since when did my hands get so hairy. Then it rang into my drunken mind. Bloody hell! I'm a soddin' dog. My buzz started to go away; I was sobering up, and getting a headache.

I stood there in the alleyway looking at my paws for what seemed to be hours. Then once it had registered in my mind what exactly had happened I started to run as fast as I could. I rounded the corner of the alley to the street heading for my crypt when I was abruptly stopped. I fell to my wee little puppy bum with a sharp "Arf!". Arf? Since when do I say Arf?

"Aw, isn't he so cute." Willow cooed as I started to back away whimpering a little. Bloody hell this was the last thing I needed at that particular moment. Me, cute? I'm not cute. Cute, just isn't me.

"Yea, he's a pretty good lookin' dog." Xander said as I started to growl. Apparently it came out as a playful growl to the boy's ears cause he quickly picked me up and I began to try to bite his arms off.

"Aw, he wants to play." Anya said as I bit down hard on Xander's arm. Xander let out a slight yelp complaining about my needle teeth. How could they be so clueless? I was growling and snarling and biting, but to them it was cute. Cute? Ggggrrrr! I'm not cute. Oh yea, covered that already.

So yea, they stood there on the sidewalk toying with me while I tried in vain to get away. Xander and Anya then decided that a puppy would be a nice addition to their new apartment. There was nothing I could do, not a bloody thing. I was being taken back to the whelp's apartment as a puppy prisoner. Willow walked with them till they had to part ways then I was stuck with Xander. I couldn't help but curse myself. I bet the spell was in the beer, if indeed it was a spell. It's the only thing I can think of that I had done differently that night. Usually I drink a nice brew like Killian's, tonight I had had the Guinness Extra Stout. I really can't understand why I had been turned into a puppy. Must be karma.

Any who. To make things worse, oh yes it gets much worse, Anya wanted the puppy to stay in their bedroom and sleep at the foot of the bed. So the couple was conversing about that option. As soon as my padded paws hit carpet in the living room I began to run around trying to find a place to hide. Anya and Xander continued to argue about the prospect of their new puppy sleeping in their room. For once I wanted the whelp to win the argument.

Soon I had found a hiding place and they had ended their argument. They were now stalking after their new puppy, trying to find him. But, if there was one thing I had learned in being around the poof all those years it was how to hide, and hide well.

Or so I thought. I saw feet in front of me, and I recognized them as Anya's. I was as quiet as I could be. It didn't help; Anya bent over and saw me. I ran as she reached for me only to be caught up by Xander. I should have known better. Hiding under the bed, maybe not my brightest shining moment.

Xander held me in his arms as I growled, but he just smiled at me trying to pet me as I wiggled around. Finally I wiggled free and fell to the ground with a thump and another sharp 'Arf!'.

"We should name him Wiggles." Anya suggested as I scrambled around. Xander argued against the name, saying something about it wasn't masculine enough for their little fluffy black pup. I was starting to get tired of fighting this. I felt as though I needed to calm down and come up with an actual plan.

I was hit abruptly with the insatiable hunger for puppy chow. My stomach growled as I just sat in front of the couch. I started to whimper without realizing I was whimpering.

"Aw, Ahn honey, I bet he's hungry." Xander stopped to say as they both turned their attention to the bundle of fur in front of their sofa. Anya quickly agreed to go get some puppy chow and Xander had a seat on the opposite side of the sofa from where I'd managed to curl up. Lookin' back on it, I believe I was curled up trying to make myself even smaller, trying to pretend they didn't notice me.

While Anya went to the store, Xander sat there watchin' the telly. Occasionally, he glanced over and patted his leg as if he wanted me to come to him. I just laid there though, wondering what in the hell had just happened. I just went poof, and voila puppy. What the bleeding hell had happened.

Apparently I was still whimpering cause Xander glanced over at me again and spoke. 'It's okay boy, Anya's gone to get you some food.' He said it almost sympathetically. I let out a sigh, this couldn't be happening to me, of all the bleeding things to happen. I mean, turn me into bangers and mash I don't care, but a bloody dog. How humiliating.

As luck would have it, my depression was coming off as homesickness to the whelp though because he moved to pet me. I wasn't paying attention to him, and before I knew it I was laying on his lap still whimpering. Xander tried to sooth me, but the thought was only making it worse. I wasn't a home sick lost little puppy. I was a master vampire with the worst luck in the soddin' world.

I hate to admit it, and I still think it was the bloody spell or whatever I was under, but after some time, the petting was becoming somewhat soothing and I started to fall asleep. The peace was short lived. Anya soon came home, and she was carrying more than puppy chow.


	2. A not so home sweet home

Spike's Series of Unfortunate Events II:

Whoof!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. blah blah blah Joss Whedon

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Anya burst through the door jolting me awake with the slam of the door. She seemed really excited about something. She had more than puppy chow in the bags. I jumped off of Xander's lap and to the floor. Slowly I started to back away as Xander stood up and started to talk with Anya.

Anya made her way to the kitchen pulling out a bag of Kibbles 'n' Bits puppy chow. She was ranting on about the cutesy little bowls she'd bought. My curiosity got the best of me. I snuck up ever so slowly and peered at the bowls. Little white bowls with puppy paw prints on them etched with the word "princess". As if my pride hadn't been hurt enough. 'Princess' I scoffed to myself as a gritted my teeth.

"Uh, Anya sweetie…. He's a boy." Xander said sheepishly to which Anya retorted.

"So, he's a dog. I'm sure he wont notice." Xander smiled lightly and pointed to the other bags on the table as he asked about their contents. I backed away trying to find a spot where I could view the table. My motions must have come across as excitement; Xander picked me up and brought me to the table.

What I was about to lay eyes on was to be the most horrifying thing I'd ever seen in my unlife. Anya pulled a little blue collar from the bag which had bright red paw prints on it, and a name tag reading 'Dog, If I'm lost call.. 555-5445' oh great, perfect, I'm your property now, but don't even give me a name. I mean, I would have been happy with Bruiser, or Punkie or or, wait a bloody second. I'm not even complaining about that.

It gets worse; the bags were full of fluffy little puppy outfits of every color, none of them black. Just bright colors with designs, more paw prints. One t-shirt even read 'I'm special', great now I ride the short bus to dog school.

I started to whimper a little, not only was I horrified at all the little clothes and things, but my stomach really was killing me. Anya commented that I must still be hungry. So she moved to fill the bowls with food and water. She placed them in front of the sink and Xander placed me in front of the bowls.

I took one whiff of the food and sat down looking up at them the thought ringing in my mind 'You've got to be kidding me.' Xander smiled nudging me toward the food. I whimpered a little bit and took a taste. I crunched it in my mouth slowly. I wanted to spit it out and run for the door. It tasted like sweaty ball sack, not that I'd know. It just had that salty, putrid mock beef taste.

I was hungry though, and I doubted they'd be willing to give their puppy blood. The least they could have done though was give me a beer to wash it all down with. Maybe then I could get so drunk I wouldn't mind the taste. Xander commented that they were crowding me, and the two went and sat down on their sofa. I believe they were making out, which only made me crunch the food louder.

A couple moments after I had finished eating, the strangest feeling hit me, a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time… I needed, to pee, badly. Which leads me to believe, not only was I turned into a dog, but a live one at that. I started to whimper again and ran to the door. Scratching loudly I let out a high-pitched bark in their direction. The two love birds abruptly quit with the smoochies and looked at me. I scratched the door again and barked. Xander stood up and smiled looking back at Anya.

"Honey look, he's already house broke." The way he said it made me cringe. Anya smiled and told Xander.

"Good, he won't be making to many messes then… I just hope he doesn't find the money and decide to rip it to shreds." Xander assured Anya that the puppy wouldn't do that. I had other ideas though.

Xander grabbed the leash and put it on the collar they had fitted me with earlier. I almost pulled him out to the grass. I had to go. This was just to weird for me though, 'What the hell am I doing?' I thought to myself.

Moments later I was back in the apartment and they were readying themselves for bed. Took a long ass shower together, I don't even want to know. So I decided to do what puppies do best. Spiteful as I am, I jumped up on the couch and commenced to rip a sofa pillow to shreds. It felt good, got a little of my frustration out as well.

The two came out of the shower to find their sweet little puppy chewing away at a pillow. My mouth full of pillow stuffing, I looked at them, wagged my tail and let out a playful bark, knowing that was the icing on the cake. Xander's face was extremely red and Anya looked like she was ready to throw me out of the window. They just stood there, not knowing what to do. I loved it; I could tell I had hit a red button. Maybe this could be fun after all.

No sooner had that thought occurred to me, till I remembered the cutesy little clothes. I suddenly became slightly nervous. The whelp and his former demon girlfriend went to their room closing the door. I wish I could have still had my vampire hearing, I so wanted to hear that conversation.

Shortly after, they came back out of the bedroom and Anya came to the couch to pick me up. I tried to scramble away but to no avail. I was soon held down in bed between my least favorite bloke in the world and his no longer demon but still slightly evil girlfriend. 'Bloody hell, I just wish this spell or whatever would wear off soon.' I thought to myself.

After the two of them were thoroughly passed out, I squeezed my way out of their grasp and jumped down into the floor. Curling up in the closet, I finally nodded off.

The next morning I awoke with a plan. If I was going to be stuck being their bloody dog I was going to live it up. Sure I can soak up attention, as long as they didn't find out it was me all along, I'd have no problem with it. Not only that, I could do things and get away with it, cause after all… I was just a little puppy right?

I made my way into the living room, the bedroom door having been left open. Xander had apparently headed off to work, and it seemed as though Anya was getting ready to go open the Magic Box.

Slowly I walked over to my water bowl and took a drink. Watching Anya run back and forth between rooms gathering items. As soon as I found where she hid the money I was going to shred it.

Until then, I had to find out what I looked like. I had to have a reflection after all, cause I was alive, I guess. I made my way into the rest room. Oh great, no low mirrors. I thought about it for a moment. Then jumped up onto the john. I hesitated a moment, the sink looked terribly far away. I welled up my courage and took a jump for it. As luck would have it, I didn't make it. My front paws tried to grab at the sink but it was to slick, I fell to the ground with a thump and a slight bark. I sat there and thought about it a moment looking around the room.

I devised another plan. I pawed at the cabinet doors below the sink till I could get my mouth around the edge; I worked on it till I got it open. I then took a short stool and positioned it in front of the door. Got up on the stool, jumped to the door, grabbing the door and the sink I pulled my way up. 'Bloody hell, bein' a soddin' dog is hard work.' I sat on the sink afraid to look up to see my reflection. Then my curiosity got the best of me.

I got up on my hindquarters placing my front paws on the mirror. What would have come out as a loud scream came out as a shrieking bark. I lost my footing and fell back to the floor with a loud crash. Anya came running to see what had happened. I huddled in the corner whimpering. 'Black, with a little white chest, and bloody hell I'm furry. And, and, oh balls, I'm cute.' I was having a panic attack in the corner, whimpering and shivering.

Anya cooed and picked me up. "Awe. It's okay puppy." She tried to say soothingly but then, her voice is never soothing. She started carrying me toward the living room as she said. "Puppy, I think you have issues. Maybe we should seek you doggy counseling. I wonder if they have that." I whimpered more, my god she can be one annoying bint.

She carried me back to my bowls where more of that putrid kibble awaited me. She sat me down and I looked at it with dread coursing through every fiber of my being. I could smell something a lot more appetizing wafting through the air. I sniffed it, came to the conclusion it was on the table. As soon as she was out of the room I hopped up on a chair and plopped my paws down on the table.

Bacon! I attacked the bacon, stuffing the remainder of their breakfast into my mouth. It was gone before Anya made it back into the room. I returned to my bowl and tried to figure out how to get rid of the kibble.

When Anya came back into the kitchen I was simply sitting in front of my bowls, starring at them. Anya made the comment 'Aw, your not hungry puppy?'. To which I thought to myself. 'What am I suppose to give an answer to that. I can't talk you stupid bint.'. So I walked away from the bowls and went to sit on the couch. Anya scrambled around for a bit more. Then she approached me again.

"I wonder what Giles would say if I brought you to the store with me today. Lots of people like puppies, it could be good for business." And with that statement Anya left the room for a moment only to return to the room with one of those fuzzy little dog sweaters. 'Oh bloody hell no.' I thought to myself, but was actually whimpering.

"You don't like it?" Anya said.. she looked slightly saddened but quickly perked up. Before I knew what had happened she had put the bleeding sweater on me and we were heading out the door. Now I know what Paris Hilton's dogs must feel like. All wrapped up in these bloody torture devices, a cutesy little collar on, and a leash to match. By the time we got outside I had squirmed until she just decided to let me walk.

The whole way to the Magic Box I tried to stop walking, but Anya just kept pulling. I tried to pull back it didn't work. God save the King, but I was just royally screwed on all fronts. So it was back to plan B, just wreak havoc on their lives and have fun doing it.


	3. The grand finale

Spike's Series of Unfortunate Events II:

Whoof!

Disclaimer: I own nothing. blah blah blah Joss Whedon

* * *

As soon as Anya came through the door with me in tow Giles' eyes grew wide. He looked as though someone had just stuffed a pineapple up his pompous British channel. Anya was still bounding toward the register and Giles moved to cut her off at the pass.

"Anya, we can't have animals in here."

"Why not. He's cute, and could be good for business."

"Because, he could get into something and turn himself into some sort of weird creature, possibly even a demon, who knows. He's a puppy, and like a seven month old baby, everything in his reach will go straight to his mouth."

"Okay Giles, stop hyperventilating. If he's bad for business I won't bring him back again."

Giles took his glasses off and rubbed the bridge of his nose.

"Fine. Do whatever then. But he's got an odor."

"I'll just give him a quick bath then, before business picks up." Anya said in that annoying tone that can only be Anya and totally clueless. At least someone didn't want me there, which was a more familiar feeling, somewhat comforting.

But it was short lived. Soon I was locked in the bathroom and Anya was running the sink full of water. I started to whimper again, and she started trying to be soothing. Yea, soothing really helps when you've got her voice and your throwing cups of cold water over a puppy's back. Luckily, or at least I think it was luckily, the whole situation wasn't lucky, but at least the bath was over relatively quickly.

As soon as my paws hit the floor I began to shake water all over the bathroom and Anya's clothing. I had succeeded she was totally brassed off. For a moment I was glad every time I seemed to chuckle about something my tail would wag, and everyone thought it was cute. Because at this particular moment, if I were my actual vampire self, well one Anya wouldn't have given me the ice bath, but two, she'd be more inclined to try and beat me into a bloody pulp right now if she knew I was actually me.

When she opened the door to the restroom I took off tearing through the magic box, my paws still slick and wet. I just didn't want to be in that room anymore, not with her angry about her nice new clothing. I'm sure to take a hit from her and me being this size; it would have hurt… … a lot. Not that I'm afraid of the ex-demon. It's just being small and, okay whatever. I don't have to explain to you people: on with this humiliating story then.

So I'm tearing through the Magic box, not really watching where I'm going and I suddenly smash into Giles' shins. He had been reading and it caught him off guard. 'Today of all days she had to bring a dog into the shop' He muttered to himself, as I backed away slowly and took a seat. My tail still wagging, as I thought of Anya in the restroom trying to dry her shirt with those really annoying brown paper napkin things that never get anything dry. Giles just looked down at me and kind of sneered. 'Great he doesn't like me, and he doesn't like dogs either. Or maybe he just knows something is up with this pooch. Oo a ponce that can sense evil. Maybe Giles isn't so bad after all.' I thought to myself.

There was a sudden jingling of the bell from the front door. I turned to see who it was, and to my surprise it was Buffy. 'They're all so tall when you're walking around on all fours' I thought to myself, which was immediately followed up with the thought. 'Okay I know there's a bad pun in there somewhere.'

"Oh Giles! When did you get a puppy?" Buffy cooed as she picked me up and started petting me.

"I didn't. He belongs to Anya, and thus Xander I suppose as well." The doorbell jingled again and in came Willow.

"Oh, Xander and Anya's little pup. He seems to be friendlier today." Willow commented as she pet me. And well me, I couldn't resist, I had to start licking Buffy's face. Because, yea she didn't know it was me and I could get away with acting like a total sleaze. Buffy giggled that really cute giggle of hers and my tail wagged. Now if I were her pup I think it wouldn't be so unbearable. Just yea, I'd probably hump her leg a lot and she'd get me fi—Okay yea maybe being a dog is just bad all across the boards.

"Ew, I think it pee'd on me." Buffy said suddenly as she pulled me away from her chest. Anya was coming out of the bathroom and explained she'd just given me a bath not to long ago. Apparently my underside was still a little wet.

Anya moved to behind the counter and Buffy put me down as she walked over to the table, Willow following. They all sat at the table and I tried to hop up on the bench to sit beside Buffy. She picked me up again and sat me down beside her.

"Puppy is acting weird. He doesn't like for Xander or me to pick him up. But he apparently likes you Buffy. He's acting like Spike actually you know with the puppy eyes." Anya told Buffy to which Buffy peered down at me and I purposely made the little puppy dog eyes. I think looking back on it I was trying to clue them in. But what came next in conversation I wasn't expecting.

"Yea, maybe he is spike's alternate reality version. Uh oh Giles we don't have a leak dividing realities do we?" Buffy said looking at Giles in mock confusion. I was a little offended, okay very offended. I am no dog, okay maybe at the moment but, ah.. sod it.

"No Buffy I don't believe we do." Giles said chuckling a little.

"Oh yea, speaking of Spike. I think he decided to go either streaking or with the disappearing act last night." Buffy commented, to which my ears really perked up and my tail quit wagging.

"Why do you say that Buffy?" Giles asked with a confused look on his face.

"Well, I was outside of Willy's last night toward the end of my patrol and I found spike's duster, and other clothes. So he either got really drunk and went streaking, which wouldn't surprise me, or he just up and disappeared through some sort of mystical portal that wouldn't take his clothes." Willow laughed a little.

"Yea I can just see Spike showing up in an alternate dimension all with the nude-ness." To which they all gave a chuckle. I suddenly did not like the conversation. So I am a joke to them when I'm not around. I knew it but I wasn't sure. Now I was sure. So I hopped off the bench and started walking around the shop. They weren't paying attention and so I could probably make my get away. The conversation picked up my interest again though when Buffy mentioned she hadn't seen me when she went to my crypt at daybreak and she was actually somewhat worried. Granted she was trying to justify her worry with the fact that it could be an epidemic of some sort not just affecting the vampire populace, but I could tell she was actually worried about me.

I walked back over to the table and put my paws up and Buffy picked me up setting me in her lap. She petted me gently and slowly as she talked to Giles and Willow.

The day carried on. Buffy was in and out of the store, and Willow too. When it came time for Dawn to get out of school, Willow and Buffy were back at the store. Buffy was hogging me, and I liked it. I growled at Anya every time she tried to pick me up, just for the fun of it. Just to watch her pout about her dog not liking her.

The bell jingled again and in bounced Dawn.

"Oh Puppy!" Dawn said as she charged toward me. She started petting me as I sat on Buffy's lap. She went on about how her day went, how Janice had pissed her off, and what she did about it. I was just soaking up the attention from Buffy. I thought it wasn't going to be long before I was back at the stupid gits apartment and having to look at his ugly mug for another night.

Willow seemed to have a sudden fleeting thought and she allowed it to pass through her lips without hesitation.

"What if the dog is Spike?" Everyone started to laugh but suddenly, their eyes were fixed on me. I sort of felt self-conscious for a moment. Then the next thing I knew I saw my arm around Buffy's shoulder and she stood up really quickly and screeched. Everyone else was screeching. I had screeched at the same time Buffy did cause I saw my arm and knew I was human again. But the kicker was scrambling to my feet only to realize I had no clothes. Dawn's eyes had bulged and she was covering her mouth. Buffy quickly covered her eyes. Willow covered her own eyes and turned away. Giles couldn't stop laughing. I had covered myself as quick as possible and my back being to Anya all she could think to say was.

"Spike has a nice ass!"

"Oh balls." I said as I looked down at myself. "Has anyone got a towel or something I can wrap around myself." Giles still laughing motioned toward the training room and I took off into the training room looking for something, anything. Oh bloody hell how embarrassing. A sudden nude me in Buffy's lap, she's probably scarred for life. 'Now I'll never get her.' I thought to myself.


End file.
